Fantastic

Let me preface this by saying I didn't create this blog to be an online diary, but right now I need to get my thoughts out, and since absolutely no one reads this thing, it doesn't really matter.

I knew this time period would be tough. Everyone told me that I was going to be depressed when school started up again. I knew it would be tough living at home because I have like 5 friends that are really close distance wise, and then some more friends who are like 30 mins away. I also knew this time would tough because I was going (and did) break up with my (ex)girlfriend. As much as I knew it would happen, it still fucking sucks.

I seriously haven't been this depressed since the summer after my freshman year of college, when I came back home and almost none of my friends were around, and I had a job that sucked and my coworkers sucked too. My band wasn't really doing anything, and our family trip to New Mexico was fairly boring, but sucked more because I was having panic attacks often. You have to remember that I was riding high from my senior year in HS, which was overall great, and my freshman year at Maryland, which was insane especially with the basketball and football teams doing so awesome. So I hit rock bottom. And now I'm back there for the first time since then (my father's death does not count because that's just a totally different situation).

So now here I am, depressed.

I mean, this summer has been more or less great, though it has gone by too quickly, but now that school is getting back into gear, everyone is heading off or is back at school. Meanwhile, I'm left here with a social life that is very reminiscent of my HS years, especially those of my sophomore and junior years. Almost no one calls me to do anything, and I feel like a loser times 3000.

So why do I feel like this? Well basically a lot shit happened almost at the same time. First, I broke up with Sarah, my girlfriend of almost 2 years. I know that breaking up with her was the right decision at this point in time for so many different reasons, with the big two being the prolonged long-distance relationship (I'm talking year round for 2-3 years) and the fact that I wasn't (or didn't think) I was in love with her. Yet, as much as it was the right thing to do, it still sucks. I go from having someone who I trust, care about, talk to, and get along with great, to having someone who I don't know how to act around anymore. Everyone told me it was going to be hard, and that things would be weird, but the biggest problem is that my feelings for her never changed. I still feel the same about her. I know that was the problem initially, but it's still a problem. I care about her, and like her, and find her attractive, but I know that ultimately I need to be apart from her. On top of all this, the inevitable happened. I knew that the minute I broke up with her, she'd have guys all over her. And I was correct. She told me that she knows of two guys who want to be with her, and one already sorta asked her out. As much as I knew this was going to happen, it still hurts. Do I want to see her happy? Yes. Am I glad that I was able to date a girl that others wanted? Damn straight. So what's the big deal? I guess the big deal is that it all compounds the fact that I have no one, and my self-confidence, being low to begin with, just keeps sliding down. While she has guys waiting for her, I can't seem to find anyone who's even remotely interested in me. And a part of me brings up the fact that if I was still at school or in the College Park area, I'd probably still be dating her. But I guess that's life, but even more so, I made the conscious decision to take the path that I'm on, and I know if we were meant to be together, fate will bring us back together. But I knew if I came home I'd have no one, and for now, I'm right on that one too.

Is it too soon to be worrying about dating someone? Maybe. Probably. Maybe not. The real question is, how long will it be til my situation changes. If my history has anything to do with it, it'll probably be a good 9-10 months. Then again, if look at my history, things might be getting better soon. I mean, let's take a look at my past relationship history. The first girl I ever kissed was a girl at camp. This girl was not one of the several girls I had crushes on for most of camp. The girls who I really liked were already taken or had no interest in me. The one girl who really really liked me went through boys like was her job, and I ended up hooking up with her my sophomore year in college anyway. So basically this girl came out of nowhere, though if I had read the signs earlier, I would've known. I sort of knew she liked me by the last few days of camp, but it wasn't until one of my bunkmates told me that she really liked me that I decided to make a move. Needless to say, I made out with her most of the night, and we slept out in the field together for a few hours. She then thought we were together, and sent me a birthday card later that summer. I, being stupid, naive, and having a mad crush on a girl at school who I never had a chance at, never responded and basically killed something that could've been good for me. This has nothing to do with the other situations I'm about to explain, except that I wasn't looking for this girl, but she came into my life.

Fast forward to freshman year of college. So many girls were around, but of course, I had to have a crush on a girl that didn't want me. So what happened? On the bus ride back from Georgia Tech, a girl who had caught my eye a few days earlier sits next to me, and we end up together, in a real middle school fashion. Crazy thing is we never talked before, just sorta happened. I had a great time with Beth, even though I was shy about us and no one really knew, and I ended up cutting off the relationship after 3 weeks, something I sort of regret because I had a great thing going for me, but we are still friends and we hooked up a couple of times after we broke up. Anyway, again, the girl came out of nowhere.

So fast forward to sophomore year. After the summer from hell, I was anticipating school with a passion that I've never felt towards school before. I was eager to go back, but more eager to see a girl I had met in the spring, when she came to visit as a pre-frosh. So with my optimism high, and having a swagger of knowing what was going on, I went in hoping that this girl would be going out with me. Let's just say things didn't go according to plans at all. The first day of marching at band camp, one of my best friends, who marched next to me, pointed out a girl who was in front of us, and he was like "I'm going after her" and I was like awesome, since I was after this other girl. We find out one of our friends is staying in the same room with her in temporary housing, so I decide to take my friend down to the room and try to meet this girl. We do, and he's all shy around her, and she's shy around him, so things are whatever. The next night, I was practicing in the lounge with another friend of mine just watching me. Out of nowhere the girl who my friend liked, came in, sat down and just watched. Shortly another guy came in, and soon everyone was talking. My friend also eventually came down and it ended up being a time for everyone to get to know each other. By this time, the girl had caught my eye a bit, but I wasn't going to do anything since my friend wanted her. The next day, we all move into our regular dorms, and I find out that the girl lives on the floor below me and my friend (he was in the room across the hall). Being friendly, I helped her and another kid out with where to go and such. Later that night, as I was putting up my posters and getting my room together, the girl comes up, and just hangs out in my room. By this time I figure she might have a thing for me, and thus, I begin to have a thing for her. (The original girl I had a thing for was already being courted by about 10 other guys, so I decided that since I hadn't talked to her a lot, to just let it go.) My friend walks into my room, sees the girl and just hangs out with us, making things a bit awkward, but not so much, since I still was going to let him have first dibs. Well the next morning changed a lot. I went to breakfast, and while I was eating, the girl comes to my table and asks if she can sit next to me. At this point, I knew something was up and I ended up having a mad crush on her. To shorten this already lengthy story, after not knowing whether she liked me or my friend, and dealing with the pain of stealing a girl from one of my best friends, we ended up together after she came back to my dorm with me after a party. We hooked up that night, and we were together for 6 weeks. Again, the point (of this overly winded story), the girl came out of nowhere. The other point, is that, since this girl not only was liked by my friend, but also by about 15 other guys, my confidence was riding high and was the big boost that I needed after the shitty summer I had.

Spring semester of soph year, my father passed away. I spiral into a horrible depression, but end up emotionally stronger than I was before. That next summer was better than the previous one, but still not tremendous. Going into early week, I had no prospects, but knew that if I could get Crystal the previous year, I could get someone this year.

First night of early week, entire band meeting. Some how, for some reason, a girl catches my eye. I mean CAUGHT IT. I couldn't stop looking at her. I was in the front of the band room, and kept looking back at her. I knew she saw me, but I didn't care, I just couldn't keep my eyes off of her. I didn't know who she was, but I knew I wanted her. My goal for early week was to meet this girl and talk to her. Of course I didn't get the chance to until the last day of band camp. Needless to say that day was pretty craptastic. While I was out food shopping my mom calls me and tells me my grandfather had a stroke, was in a coma, but wasn't dead. After dealing with my father's death, this wasn't nearly as bad, even though it was still awful. I put the event out of my mind for the time being, because drumline was throwing a huge party and we were bbqing beforehand. The party that night got busted. And it got busted just as I was talking to the girl I was after. I stood near her in line as everyone under 21 was given a citation. Overall a crappy day. Over the next week or so all I wanted was to talk to this girl. I knew her screenname but she blocked everyone who wasn't on her buddy list, so I had no way of talking to her. During the first week of classes, my grandfather passed away. I drove back home for the funeral, but came back to school to go with the band to Florida State. The girl was on our bus, but I wasn't allowed to sit next to her, but I ended up sitting a seat or two in front of her. The first night we're there a bunch of us go out, and she ends up in our group, and she sits fairly close to me, and i get to talk to her a bit and get to know her. After dinner, however, I don't get a good chance to talk to her. The following night, we get spanked by FSU, but on top of that, the show we performed sucked balls. So still reeling from my poppop's death, along with the crappiness of getting killed in football, I didn't feel like getting yelled at by our drum instructor. On the bus ride back to the hotel, I was pissed and upset. Nothing was going right in my life, and our football team was 0-2. I get off the bus, see the girl I have a crush on, and decide to act up my feelings. I throw my shit down and just start cursing under my breath and just become visibly angry. She asks if I'm ok, and I say no. Later on, she sees me and asks how I'm doing, and I forget what I answered. As I sat on a chair in front of my room, the girl comes by and says hello, and then sits down and talks. We ended up talking, along with some other people, all through the night until we had to load the buses. Feeling that I had actually gotten somewhere, I was on a high. That high was immediately taken down when I found out she had a boyfriend. This didn't stop me, however, from trying to win her over. The least that I could do was to become close to her. Long story made slightly shorter, by the end of September we were talking a lot and she even was planning to see a movie with me. The night before we were supposed to see the movie, her boyfriend dumped her. She came to the movies with me, and we began dating that night. The point of the story, Sarah came into my life at a time when everything seemed to be going wrong, giving me the confidence and happiness I so sorely need, and she more or less came out of nowhere.

So why did I write all of this? Because I needed to vent, as well as give myself hope that even though I'm going through a rough stage in my life, things will/should only get better. I just have to grin and bear this crappy time and hope things don't get any worse. It could be a month, it could be 6, or it could be 2 years, but eventually something will happen. I have enough faith in G-d and fate that I know that everything happens for one reason or another, even if they suck and you don't understand them.

I know this blog might not make a lot of sense, but it was therapeutic to me, for now.

Here's to hoping for the unexpected!

-Josh