:-(

I'm starting to not like myself.
I'm starting to wonder what's wrong with me.
I'm starting to wonder why I decided to move home.
I'm starting to wonder why people, who aren't my friend Justin or my cousin Graham, don't call me to do things.
I'm starting to question why I wanted to graduate college in four years, and not milk it out.
I'm starting to question why I made certain decisions that I made.
I'm starting to worry that I'll never be happy again. And by happy I mean completely happy, like my soul is fulfilled.

People tell me that I don't have anything to be upset about. They say that I have a job and that I'm in good economic standing. They tell me that I have a lot going for me. They tell me I'm smart. They tell me all these things. If I have nothing to be upset about, why the fuck am I depressed beyond belief? Why do I feel that my life right now is a waste, and that my future looks beyond bleak? I can't be optomistic about the future anymore, because nothing ever happens the way I think it will.

But what was I expecting? That everything would be A-O-K coming back home where I knew I'd have like 5 friends around? Maybe I was dreaming too much that my band would be pushing hard to go for it, and instead there's always that sense that we could dissolve at any moment. Maybe I thought that I'd go out and meet new people. Maybe I was just riding the high of college too much that I was blind to the brick wall that I've hit.

It hasn't even been a month since my friends went back to school, but I'm taking things hard, and I just feel that things are gonna get worse. I'm hoping that these next few weeks will help since I will be busy at the end of september, but who knows. I can't bank on that anymore. Concerts and sporting events can only do so much. It's the human connection that I miss. I yearn for it. When I'm with friends, even just sitting there, doing nothing, I'm fine. But that's become harder to fulfill. I basically hang out with a few people here at home, and that's fine, but it's hard as hell to rely on them all the time when they have other shit going on. I also feel guilty of calling them all the time, but I really have nowhere else to turn to. But it stings me when I have like 3 or 4 people who call me on a "regular" basis, and besides my friend Justin, it's not even that regular. I feel that nobody cares.

I know people care, but it just feels like no one does, and when I think that, I get more depressed. I question my self-worth. I question why it is that no one wants to be around me. Why no one wants to hang out. Why no one says, "Hey I want you to be here right now." And by no one I mean those who aren't Justin or Graham or even my friend Chris. I mean, there are others that call, and I know they are busy as hell, but when you've got very little going on, and you're job is unfulfilling, you just want to know that someone is out there who wants you around.
I just want people to tell me that.