I don't know anymore

I'm just beyond confused right now. I mean I shouldn't be feeling this right? I'm not supposed to care, right? I mean I don't even know if my premenitions/assumptions/educated guesses/gut instincts are even realistic, but even so, what the fuck?

Things are hitting me so fast now, it's not fun. I don' t know what I want out of life and I'm scared of what can happen. I just want to be happy. I thought I was happy as recently as last week, but now I'm not so sure. I've just been on a rollercoaster of emotion that I just can't take it. I need to stop thinking that the last few months will be what life is like for the rest of my existence, but I can't stop shaking those premonitions. What I thought would be an opportunistic time has basically turned out to be the most depressing times in a long time, with a few moments of awesomeness.

I feel like I have nothing, even though I have a plan and economic stability. This readjustment from college is sucking big hairy balls. Seriously, I'm so depressed and uninspired that I can't do things for more than a few days in a row, like try to learn bass. That lasted for about 2 solid nights, and then I just get sucked into being a vegetable with nothing going on, and the less stuff goes on, the more I feel worthless and uninspired. I've always questioned myself about what I'm good at, and have always felt that I really don't stand out, even if I do. I just want to make an impact on people's lives, but I just don't know if I have or ever will. Or maybe I just want attention, I don't know, I just know I like to feel needed and wanted and just all that stuff that makes the soul content. But I really haven't experienced that in a while. I don' t know of any significant impact I've ever had on anyone. I don't know anyone who sees me in a light that's inspiring. And I feel that I'm just so unmotivated to do anything with my life, and that makes me see my life as being worthless sometimes. I mean I sit at a computer all day at work, only to come home and watch TV and be on the computer some more. This is not what I want out of life, but it's what I feel like doing. It's awful. I really hate it. But I get so bored and feel so unwanted that I just need to go online and see if anyone's around or just talk to people that never seem interested in talking to me, for the most part.

I was thinking the other day, what if I just didn't go online for a week. Didn't call anyone, didn't really communicate with anyone. Would anyone try to call me or try to get a hold of me to do stuff or to talk? My inclinations say no for the most part. With the exception of literally 2 or 3 people, I think I could vanish off the face of the planet and no one would really notice. I mean this is how small and insignificant I feel. In college I didn't feel this, but then again I had a lot more going for me, and it was my choice to come home. Maybe it was the wrong choice. Maybe I should've stayed down in College Park, but would I have been happy there? I don' t know. I just hope things change so I can get back to the way I used to be, or at least not be feeling like this every other week.

But seriously, why is my mind concerned about something that it shouldn't be?