Do I Even Matter?

It's funny how I always end up in this spot, where I feel that I have no purpose on this earth. This is now the second time I've felt this within a year, and both have come after I have been away from home for a while. It seems that when I go away, no one even knows, nor do they even know when I come home. It's probably my fault, since I don't talk to a lot of my friends about my plans and stuff, and that all links back to the fact I have no best friend. But forget that for a second. I really am wondering if I matter. Yeah it probably seems stupid for me to think about it, but from my point of view I don't see it really mattering beyond my family, and even then, I don't see the major impact beyond the typical feelings of when you lose a family member. I really don't see myself as having a major impact in anyone's life at the present time. Maybe in the past, but not right now. I feel like no one even cares if I'm around or not. I'm sort of seeing this girl who's really into me, but I'm starting to second guess that (shocking I know!), so who knows what will happen. The point, however, is that would it change people's lives if I just vanished; not died, but just sort of left and went somewhere else and no one knew. I guess the only major impact would be on my bands, but it's not like we're signed and we are making a living out it. I always seem like a burden to people. Like, when I call someone, I always think that they probably have something else going on, and if they don't, I'm always the last option to do something with, and they reluctantly say yes to me. That's how I feel.

I'm just the oddball. I'm the guy who likes facial hair. The guy who likes music that 95% of people have no interest in. The guy who loves his college teams too much. The guy who doesn't like to go out and party all the time. They guy who isn't aggressive with girls. They guy who doesn't have a close group of friends. The guy who is always socially wandering.

I feel replaceable. I feel unimportant. I feel unnecessary.

That's how I feel right now.