A Close To a Chapter

So it finally happened. All those gut feelings I was having came to fruition today. I guess it was proper how it occured, since yesterday really could have been an end to a chapter in my life, and I guess it was.

I honestly didn't think I'd be feeling this way, at all. I thought it was done with a few months ago. But, I guess since nothing was 100% final I still had something where there is now a void, even though I didn't think it was there. My hindsight isn't 20/20 right now, but I know that what I did was still the right decision. I was too unsure of everything, and didn't feel what I need to feel to perpetuate it. I'm not upset, I'm not even shocked. There's just something that isn't there that used to be. Something that was comforting to my soul is now gone. And while I knew it wasn't going to be easy, I wasn't expecting to feel this. I've only felt this when I was on the other side, so I thought it would be easier. But add to the fact that I'm home, with nothing around me to make me see things in a better light at the moment, and it's not good.

But, I'll live. If I can deal with my father's death, I can deal with this. There's just not much going on to help me cope like I did back then. But I'll deal. I know I can deal. I just have to keep telling myself that if I can have what I had before, I can have it again.

It's just gonna take a while, and that's the part that sucks.

I don't know anymore

I'm just beyond confused right now. I mean I shouldn't be feeling this right? I'm not supposed to care, right? I mean I don't even know if my premenitions/assumptions/educated guesses/gut instincts are even realistic, but even so, what the fuck?

Things are hitting me so fast now, it's not fun. I don' t know what I want out of life and I'm scared of what can happen. I just want to be happy. I thought I was happy as recently as last week, but now I'm not so sure. I've just been on a rollercoaster of emotion that I just can't take it. I need to stop thinking that the last few months will be what life is like for the rest of my existence, but I can't stop shaking those premonitions. What I thought would be an opportunistic time has basically turned out to be the most depressing times in a long time, with a few moments of awesomeness.

I feel like I have nothing, even though I have a plan and economic stability. This readjustment from college is sucking big hairy balls. Seriously, I'm so depressed and uninspired that I can't do things for more than a few days in a row, like try to learn bass. That lasted for about 2 solid nights, and then I just get sucked into being a vegetable with nothing going on, and the less stuff goes on, the more I feel worthless and uninspired. I've always questioned myself about what I'm good at, and have always felt that I really don't stand out, even if I do. I just want to make an impact on people's lives, but I just don't know if I have or ever will. Or maybe I just want attention, I don't know, I just know I like to feel needed and wanted and just all that stuff that makes the soul content. But I really haven't experienced that in a while. I don' t know of any significant impact I've ever had on anyone. I don't know anyone who sees me in a light that's inspiring. And I feel that I'm just so unmotivated to do anything with my life, and that makes me see my life as being worthless sometimes. I mean I sit at a computer all day at work, only to come home and watch TV and be on the computer some more. This is not what I want out of life, but it's what I feel like doing. It's awful. I really hate it. But I get so bored and feel so unwanted that I just need to go online and see if anyone's around or just talk to people that never seem interested in talking to me, for the most part.

I was thinking the other day, what if I just didn't go online for a week. Didn't call anyone, didn't really communicate with anyone. Would anyone try to call me or try to get a hold of me to do stuff or to talk? My inclinations say no for the most part. With the exception of literally 2 or 3 people, I think I could vanish off the face of the planet and no one would really notice. I mean this is how small and insignificant I feel. In college I didn't feel this, but then again I had a lot more going for me, and it was my choice to come home. Maybe it was the wrong choice. Maybe I should've stayed down in College Park, but would I have been happy there? I don' t know. I just hope things change so I can get back to the way I used to be, or at least not be feeling like this every other week.

But seriously, why is my mind concerned about something that it shouldn't be?