Looks matter

So today I learned that my personality isn't always a guaranteed winner. I thought that since I was given the chance to show my true self, I'd be able to come out on top, as I have several times before, but alas, it did not happen this time.

I have been talking to a girl for close to a month now, and was able to really show her who I was. We even met, so that was even a bigger plus, I thought. Anyway, to summarize the story, after I listened to her talk about her ex boyfriend and gave her some honest advice, she told me that I was a rare person, because I didn't just want to get into her pants. Right there I thought I was in like flint, and then after we met, I thought she would want to hang out more, and hopefully something would happen. Today I asked her if her thoughts of me changed, and she basically said that she wasn't attracted to me that way. So basically now I'm just slowly sliding back down into my lovely hole of depression.

All I want is to be able to feel like I did in college. I want to have that feeling of knowing that someone might be attracted to me, and want to hang out with me. I don't have that here. I haven't had that in a while. I felt it the weekend that I hung out with this girl, but now, I don't know if I'll feel it again. And without this feeling, a vicious cycle happens. First, I feel depressed, lonely, unattractive, and unwanted. Next, I go to dating websites and see who's on them hoping I can find someone. Then, nothing happens, and no one even looks at my profile, without me looking at their's first. Finally, the initial feelings get worse, and the cycle begins again. It sucks, and I want out, but I don't know how to get out.

Nothing really has happened to me lately where I've even been given the slightest chance to meet someone that I would date. The closest things that have happened are that two girls who I'm friendly with told me that they want to do me, but I don't know if I'd really do either of them because neither of them are my type, really, and one is an ex-gf of a friend. So I mean, it's nice to know that at least two people feel that I'm attractive enough to have random sex with, but that really doesn't help my situation much, for whatever reason.

I know my looks are not my best feature as a person, and I know that my personality is what wins people over (or at least that's how I perceive it), but I also understand that while you don't have to be attractive to win people over, you have to feel attractive, which allows you to feel confident. I don't feel confident or attractive, so basically I have to win someone over by looks. And of course me feeling that way pushes my mind to think of whether or not I made the right decision in August, since I felt both confident and attractive with Sarah, so basically I'm now currently confused and depressed and could easily be pushed into an emotional breakdown. HOORAY!!!

Oh, and of course my therapist had to make the point that I probably didn't give my relationship with Sarah enough of a chance because of a mental block that I created due to the facts that she isn't Jewish and that I had basically made up mind to end the relationship after graduation because of distance way before graduation. So now I think of whether or not I really gave the relationship the chance it deserved, and a good part of me thinks I didn't, pushing me to an even more depressed state; not seeing her helps me not think about it, but knowing she's with someone else doesn't help matters at all. But that's something that I'm slowly dealing with, and is another reason why I'm eager to meet someone, because I just want to see if what I really did was right or not.

Basically I'm in a big big big big big rut, and I need to get out, but it doesn't look like anyone will be throwing a rope down for a loooooooong time. So I have to just suck it up and deal.

Take a deep breath

It's amazing how more or less everything my cousin told me was gonna happen, has. I'm trying my best to not worry about all the stuff (or lack of) that's happening, and just push through. I mean it's hard to that when you really have nothing to look forward to. I mean I do have a new job that I'm starting on Monday, but while I'm excited about it, I'm not EXCITED about it. But at least I have a job, even if it does pay 1/3 as much as my previous job. I just wish that I stuff to keep me busy, or people to keep me busy. I mean I just want to go out and do stuff with people. I don't even care what. Like last night I went to my cousin's place at Rutgers, and all we did was sit around, drink, listent to music, talk, then go to a bar for like 30 mins and then came back, and I was happy as could be. I mean I just want to do things. Like, it could literally be anything, and as long as I'm with someone I like hanging out with, it's great. But seriously, I haven't been to the movies in months, I've gone out with my friends for dinner very rarely, and it's just been, well not the greatest time. Definitely a huge dropoff from college socially, and emotionally. Really, the one thing I totally want is just to go out on a date or something similar to a date, but of course that requires finding someone of the opposite sex to do that, and well for me, that seems to be impossible. But I mean I'm in the Bermuda Triangle of dating, cause I'm 22 and a recent college grad, so almost zero women my age would have a vested interest in me, because I'm nowhere near established and superficially I seem like a horrible catch, when in reality I know I offer a lot more than most guys out there, even though I'm not making 6 figures. Oh well, I'll be able to get through this shit. Just gotta push through, take shit as it comes. Enjoy the little things. Like my 3-disc Black Crowes CD I just got in the mail and the free tix to their New Year's Eve show!!! :-D

I just have to keep on keepin on.