Harry Potter and other things

Things have been interesting the past few months. First and foremost I've been fairly busy with stuff, even though I don't have a job. Actually, that's been one thing that's been a real pain...not having a job and not getting any interviews (well, I had one and will be having another soon, but I've sent a ton of things out and barely any response). It's causing a lot of stress. Not A LOT, just a lot. I have been subbing a good amount, though, which has been helping me sustain my economic situation. I'm not in a horrible position (I live at home and have a decent amount saved up) but it's not great (I have no job). I also need to move out of my house, or move downstairs into the now vacated office. That's what I'm planning on doing, actually. I'm planning on turning the office into an apartment of some sort, and I think it'd be pretty kick ass. Nice sized rooms, my own entrance, own bathroom, access to the rest of the house, and likely cheap or no rent. The problem is getting my mom to get on this stuff (getting a shower installed in the bathroom, getting new carpeting, etc.), but hopefully that will come in time. Now, I really would like to get the hell out of my house, but I also have no real reason to leave...unless I get a job more than an hour away from the house. This is all hypothetical, but I'm really gonna push this.

As for other things that are going on, my brother's band got signed to Universal Republic. It's cool, yet sucks. It's cool for obvious reasons, and it sucks because I'm jealous (just a bit) and his band's music is pretty lame. But they've been pushing for this for a while, so I'm glad something finally happened. As for my musical endeavors, my one band has been getting a good amount of gigs, which is nice, but our demo is being stalled because the guy who recorded it has been refusing to get back to us at all, and that sucks. Hopefully we'll get SOMETHING done before I go to camp for the summer. My other band, which has been on indefinite hiatus, has been asked to play at a party/show, so we're gonna be playing our first original show in about 2.5 years. Crazy, but awesome. There has also been a good amount of new music that's been coming out; I'm currently listening to the new Raconteurs album, and it's fucking great. The new Black Crowes album is also fantastic, and I was album to see them a few weeks ago, and they were great as normal.

I've decided to give up looking for girls. Well, not totally, but not as crazily as I was before. I've been getting some action lately, and it's actually been the most I've been getting since I had a steady gf...which isn't saying a lot but for me it's a big improvement. I've just realized I can't afford a gf nor do I have the time for one. I need to focus on getting a job and starting my career. Hopefully something will come, but if not, oh well.

I've also been doing a ton of reading. This is not a normalcy for me whatsoever, yet with the large amounts of free time I've had, plus the downtime while I sub, I have been able to get my brain exercising. Now, what have I been reading? Chuck Klosterman books and then entire Harry Potter series. Both are logical selections for me since Klosterman is a pop culture/sports guru and almost every kid has read (or at least knows about) Harry Potter. I'm currently reading IV by Klosterman right now, and have read Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs as well as Killing Yourself to Live. I will definitely be reading his first book Fargo Rock City when I finish this book, though I will be reading a book Lowell George (founder of Little Feat) before I do so.

But on to Harry Potter. I read the entire series (and watch all 5 movies that have been made) in less than a month. Now these books are not small. The first one is about 300 pages and then they just start to bloat, with the fifth book being just under 900 pages. So I easily read over 4000 pages in a month. That's a record for me. I don't care if the books are on a 4th grade reading level, that's still a ton of pages to read! Now I never really had any interest in reading the books or seeing the movies for a while, thanks to my tendency to dismiss anything that is insanely popular, even though I only heard good things about the series. However, this tendency usually works out in the end for me since I usually get into things after their prime and allows me to make my own decisions (Weezer is a good example of this). This worked out exceedingly well in the case of my reading of the series since I waited (not consciously) until the entire series had been written, enabling me to read the entire series in one shot and get the entire story without any long breaks. The verdict: this was definitely one of the most enjoyable reading experiences of my life. The first few books were not nearly as good as latter half of the series, but the overall story and setup of events was fantastic. The subplots were interesting and intriguing, and the main plotline just grabs you and doesn't let go. There are a ton of twists and turns that you just want to keep reading to see what will happen next. Yet, the most amazing thing about the series is the fact that J.K. Rowling created an entire world with its own history, a la J.R.R. Tolkien. Now, Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings are not comparable. I mean, you could compare them, but there is no reason. They are two totally different stories written by two totally different authors who had two totally different purposes for writing the series. Yet, both are near the top of my favorite books. The difference for me, however, is that since HP was written for children, it was easier to read and thus easier to understand the different dynamics of the main and sub plots. Children see the series as a great fantasy adventure with lots of action, but there is also a lot of heavy stuff that Rowling throws in, especially in the later books. Throughout the series, Harry has to deal with the fact his parents are dead and he will never meet them. I know from first hand experience that losing one's parent(s) is devastating and changes your life forever. Having that inside you can cause great pain, especially when one thinks about what could have been, which Harry does a lot. There is also the issue of politics and how governments can be easily influenced by outsiders with lots of money and power, but how they are vulnerable because of these outside alliances. She also has Harry deal with things that make him question his actions. Does he do the "right" thing or does he act for the right reason? The series also has the classic element of Good vs. Evil, though there are so many players who seem to change sides that it makes it that much more intriguing.

I guess what I'm saying is that I loved reading the series. The ending was fantastic and brought the plot to a close, though it didn't close a lot of doors when concerning the characters. Since Rowling has created "The World of Harry Potter" there are lots of questions that do not get answered at the end of the series. There is an epilogue that happens 19 years after the last events, but there are too many questions about what the characters have been doing in those two decades that passed. I'm not going to go into details since I don't want to spoil the series for anyone who reads this blog and is thinking of reading the series. I'm sure there will a ton of fan-fiction (a la Star Wars) since the fan base is insanely huge. I mean this is easily the biggest cultural thing to happen since Star Wars, IMO. I've perused fan sites and whatnot, and it's pretty insane. I can't imagine being that obsessed with something, ever. I mean I was pretty crazy for Ben Folds for a while, but it didn't CONSUME my life (it was a big part no doubt) and I've grown out of it (for now or until he puts out a killer album). And yea I'm a big fan of U of Maryland football and basketball, but that's because I went to the school. Yes, I'm on message boards for both of those things (as well as The Black Crowes), but I don't go to conventions for these things and sure as hell don't live my life around these things. I guess it's just a bit crazy, in my eyes, but I guess these books touched people in a way that totally took over their lives. I don't get it, but this isn't the first time this has happened, nor will it be the last. Though it's pretty crazy that it's spawned it's own genre of music (Wizard Rock, I believe) with bands like Harry and the Potters, and Draco and the Malfoys. Well whatever floats your boat.

So yea, if you haven't read it, read the Harry Potter series, because if/when you have kids, they should read it, because it's great. And make sure you pick up the new Raconteurs album (Consolers of the Lonely) and the new Black Crowes album (Warpaint) both are stellar.

Until next time....

Do I Even Matter?

It's funny how I always end up in this spot, where I feel that I have no purpose on this earth. This is now the second time I've felt this within a year, and both have come after I have been away from home for a while. It seems that when I go away, no one even knows, nor do they even know when I come home. It's probably my fault, since I don't talk to a lot of my friends about my plans and stuff, and that all links back to the fact I have no best friend. But forget that for a second. I really am wondering if I matter. Yeah it probably seems stupid for me to think about it, but from my point of view I don't see it really mattering beyond my family, and even then, I don't see the major impact beyond the typical feelings of when you lose a family member. I really don't see myself as having a major impact in anyone's life at the present time. Maybe in the past, but not right now. I feel like no one even cares if I'm around or not. I'm sort of seeing this girl who's really into me, but I'm starting to second guess that (shocking I know!), so who knows what will happen. The point, however, is that would it change people's lives if I just vanished; not died, but just sort of left and went somewhere else and no one knew. I guess the only major impact would be on my bands, but it's not like we're signed and we are making a living out it. I always seem like a burden to people. Like, when I call someone, I always think that they probably have something else going on, and if they don't, I'm always the last option to do something with, and they reluctantly say yes to me. That's how I feel.

I'm just the oddball. I'm the guy who likes facial hair. The guy who likes music that 95% of people have no interest in. The guy who loves his college teams too much. The guy who doesn't like to go out and party all the time. They guy who isn't aggressive with girls. They guy who doesn't have a close group of friends. The guy who is always socially wandering.

I feel replaceable. I feel unimportant. I feel unnecessary.

That's how I feel right now.

Why I'm Not Where I Want To Be

I'm about a month away from finishing student teaching, and really have enjoyed it. So, barring some large failure on mine or the university's part, I will be on my way career wise.

Socially, I'm still not where I want to be. It seems things get better, then fall apart. Our maybe it's my perception of how my social life is. I have several friends, good friends at that, but I still don't have that close-knit group that I had 3 years ago at college. While it's nice to have the freedom to do things when/wear I want, I still crave knowing that there's a good chance that some people want to do stuff with me almost all the time. But I guess that's one of the great things about college, and one of the bad things about leaving that area. It would also help if I had a companion as well, but seeing how my track record has been lately, well I doubt that will be happening soon.

On that note, I just want to say that I seem to have the ability of being interested in people who aren't interested in me, and vice versa. And I also seem to sabotage my own attempts at meeting people, in one capacity or another. I know I can do it, it's just that I haven't been able to find my groove in a long time, plus my inability to read signs/signals/shit like that doesn't help. I guess I'm screwed eh?

What's going on with me

The title is not a question, just for clarification.

I think I'm at a crossroads in my life. Maybe I'm not. I don't know. I just feel a bit lost. I don't know what I should do with my life. I mean I'm getting my certification in teaching, 3 weeks of student teaching are done, but after that, I don't know what I should do. Part of me wants to go somewhere, and the other part wants me to stay in NJ. Most of it has to do with my social life, or my perception of it. For whatever reason I feel I need a new start, like just get away from everything I know here in NJ and start something new. I guess the main thing is that if I can get a job right away I'll stay, and if not, I'll probably do some traveling and start looking at my options.

That's it for now. Hopefully I'll update again soon.

Summertime

So here I am, sitting in my bed, one week away from student teaching, and I feel as though I'm at another crossroads in my life. I guess it's due to the fact that I'm nervous about student teaching and that I'm really on the verge of starting a career. It probably also has to do with the fact that I had a great summer at Appel Farm, and now I'm back at home with not much going on, for the time being. I just need to move out of my house, ASAP, but I can't until I have a job. Though now I'm thinking I might want to move away from NJ after I get certified. I'm just really confused about where I want to go in my life right now. Things in NJ are starting to get a little stale, mainly because I'm still in the same room I've been in for the better part of 24 years. I'm 24, and still living at home. I need to get the fuck out.

On a different note, I'm beginning to think that I may be single my entire life. Yes, it is a silly notion, but I really seem to have horrible luck meeting people at the right time, or meeting people who actually live near me. But whatever, things will happen when I don't expect them to, which is what always happens.

I don't know what else to write, except that I've been really lazy the past few days and I need to start doing some physical activity because I'm feeling like a lard-ass. I also need to play some music again. For the first few weeks of camp, I was playing music every day, and it was awesome. Now I can't seem to get the guys in my band to get together to work on stuff; maybe things will come together this week.

That's all for now. I'm tired from doing nothing, and I'm bored most of the day right now. I'm also scared I'm gonna hate or suck at or get burned out from student teaching, though I am fairly certain I will be fine.

Later.

Mega Update

It's been a while. And I know that all of you who read this (like 2 of you, maybe) are dying to know what the hell has been going on in my life. Well I'll give you a quick rundown.

So far, this entire school year (I will forever think in school years) has been the total opposite of last year. I'm content with my life. Are there flaws, problems, and issues? Of course, but as I sit here right now, things are going fairly well. I really enjoy my job, which was not the case last year. I love the school, the principal, the staff, and the fact that I get to work with people my age (well they're student teachers, though I'm not) in the classroom is great. For a while, the teacher I'm assisting didn't like me, but she got used to me and has had me sub for her twice (including today) and she has really opened up to me. I also have enjoyed working only in the mornings, though the pay sucks...actually the pay is good, but working 3.5 hours a day makes my paycheck suck. It stinks that I have to quit my job at the end of the year, but maybe I'll be able to find a real teaching position there when I get certified. Speaking of which, school is going pretty good. As long as I don't fail my Practicum seminar (I sort of fucked up by missing a class, so I have to do an alternate project) I will be student teaching in the fall. Where? I have no fucking clue, but I'm hoping it's in Livingston, making my commute almost non-existent. I'm really starting to enjoy being in the classroom and working in a school. I know I haven't even experienced half of the shit that teachers have to go through, but at least I'm getting a sense of how to function within a school. But all in all, I have a game plan and it seems to be going well....so far.

For the summer I'm going to be working at my old sleep away camp, Appel Farm. It's a small arts and music camp down in South Jersey, that's literally on the farm. But it's a fantastic environment for those that love the arts, and I had a blast four the 4 summers I was there. The pay will be crap, and there's no tipping allowed, but the overall social environment should make up for it. Am I gonna be happy about sleeping in non-air conditioned bunks in the middle of the summer in South Jersey? No. Am I gonna be happy about the fact that there are shit load of thunderstorms down there? NO. But I will survive, and hopefully have a blast. I'll be teaching drums and will hopefully be a bunk counselor. I'm seriously stoked about this and really can't wait for it to start.

Speaking of music, I don't remember being this busy in a long, long time. My "new" band, The All New Cheap Moves has been playing a lot and writing new material. We're hoping to get a new demo out so when I get back from camp we can play a lot. I'm having a blast because I get to really rock out and the band functions as a democracy, where 2/3 wins the vote (there's only 3 of us). The only issue I'm having is realizing that I'm really not that great of a singer, and as much as I like to sing, I know that I should only do so on certain songs. It sucks, but I should be worrying about keeping the beat going. As for my other band, Zanzibar Scuf, we are playing a party at Columbia University this Friday, and are scheduled to play two weddings in the next few months. We've essentially turned into a cover band, though if offered a good gig to play originals, we probably wouldn't turn it down. I'm having fun with it, though I sort of wish we could record another record and make it really, really, really good. We are a really good band, and I know we had the potential to go somewhere, but it never came to be. I've also been asked by a former bandmate of mine from back in Jr High to drum with his band. We practiced once, but I don't know if it's gonna work out since he wants to do a gig in Boston and NYC, and my schedule is fairly hectic (you'll see what I mean soon enough). I was also asked by a blues guitarist, who I gigged with once, to play with him consistently. I told him I wish I could (he pays well) but since I'm going away in the summer, and have other obligations, I couldn't commit. It sucks, but I have my priorities. Also, I filled in to play drums with my cousin's band, Tall Days, this past Friday when the drummer got sick. It was me, my cousin, and my brother, and I had a blast (my bro plays bass with them sometimes, tho they are technically a duo ala The Black Keys). We played for like 7 people in Brooklyn, but it was great anyway. In addition to all of this, I took a drum lesson with one of my idols, Billy Martin from Medeski Martin & Wood. He cost a shitload, but it was a great experience and he's a great guy. I'm probably gonna take one more lesson before I go to camp because I really liked the way he taught. But yea, musically my life is the antithesis of where it was last year.

Now for the subject that was the main topic of most of my previous posts: my social life. Boy has that changed, or at least my outlook on it has changed. I've gotten used to the fact that I don't have a lot of good friends in the area, but more and more of them are popping up. I've also realized that it's a plus to have friends in NYC, because it gives me an excuse to go there and just hang out and get away from my house, as well as having people to go to shows with me. But I think, overall, I've just gotten used to what my situation here is. It's not college. It will never be college. And, while it sucks balls sometimes, it's also nice to have ME time. I get to do what I want to do. Granted I do get bored, but really, I'm not doing much more than I did when I was in college. The only differences are: 1. I live at home with my mom and not with 2 of my best friends and a random dude in a tiny apartment; 2. I don't have a girlfriend who I see every day that got me out of my place a lot; 3. I don't have to spend a ton of money on food; 4. I'm not going out every weekend, spending money on liquor. They may seem like big differences, cause they are, but other than that, I still play my PS2 when I'm bored, I still talk on AIM all the time, and I still don't socialize with my friends as much as I should/could. So yea, I'm content with where I'm at. Do I want to get out of my house? Yea, I do, but I know that I can't afford it now, so I'm prepared to be here for at least another year. But, really, I do get to hang out with my friends, and I know that they want to hang out with me, but like me, they're just busy and/or forgetful. So yea, I'm not depressed, at least not very often.

As for my love life, well, let's just say there's been improvement. No girlfriend to speak of, but I've hooked up with a few girls, and have been casually seeing one for a few months, though it seems as though that's on it's way out. Now why am I casually dating this girl and not committing to a relationship, even though I bitched and moaned about not having one for months on end? Well there are several reasons. First, she lives out on Long Island, and while it's really not that far, it's still not close, especially when you have to go through NYC or have to meet in NYC. It's just not ideal for a full-blown relationship, and really not conducive for what I have now, but I make due. Second, while I like the girl, and she has a lot in common with me (I mean how many Jewish girls are into Bio-Anthropology/Primatology?) there just isn't that "something" that I've felt before. I think there are a lot of reasons for it, but I can't really pinpoint them. Third, I have no time/money to afford for a full-blown relationship. I'm busy and I have bills to pay, so that right there puts a damper on a lot. But this situation, along with an incident at a previous Columbia U party I played at, has really gotten my self-esteem back up again. I know that while not every girl is gonna be into me, there a good amount who are. And I know that the best way for something to really click is for me to actually get to know the person and spend time with them. I've met a handful of women online (I met the one girl on JDate) and while some are nice/cute, I haven't been able to CLICK with any of them. It's another reason I'm excited about camp, I'll get to know a lot of people and spend time with them, and maybe, just maybe, something will come my way. But yea, I've just been able to become more aware of who I am and how I function, and that I feel has helped me in my confidence and self-esteem. And hopefully this trend will continue.

In other news, I'm going to be going to 4 weddings in the next 5 months. I'm in one (groomsman), playing at two, and going as guest to another. I'm seriously a little freaked out at the fact I am friends with people who are getting married. I mean, I'm IN a wedding. WTF? I also know a bunch of other couples that have recently got engaged, and it's just freaking me out a bit. It's played on my mind a bit too, like I sit and think about what could have been, though I know that it's fucking stupid to do so, especially since I'm not even close to wanting to commit to something that big. I look at my friends, and I wonder if most of them are doing this because they THINK it's the right time (it does seem to be a trend) or they are truly ready for it. I mean if you've been together for like 7 years (like my good friend) then I understand, but still, it's a bit freaky. The only really bad thing is that all of these engagements have made me wonder if I'll ever get to that point....again a really stupid thought, but it happens.

In other, other news, my previous entry was in reaction to my mother telling me that I wasn't being very open to her boyfriend, who has been an issue for me for a while. I really am not a huge fan of the guy and not a fan of the fact that he's not Jewish, but I've gotten to know him and he helped me out when I got a ticket (he's a lawyer). Most importantly, however, he makes my mom happy. I know that my dad will never be replaced in any of my family members' hearts and minds (or at least I would hope), but I understand that people need to move on or they'll end up like my grandmother who has been depressed ever since my grandfather died 3.5 years ago. It's life and you just have to deal with it.

So to conclude, I'm happy...well at least content...with where I am right now. Of course that could change tomorrow, though I doubt it. Hopefully this will continue and things will just get better. I've lived through one of the darkest periods of my life and come out a stronger individual. Hopefully next time I decide to post, it will be something similar to this. I apologize for not commenting on other issues (i.e. sports, long lost friends returning) but I'm tired, and I babbled enough for one post.

Later.

Manners of a Catfish

I guess it's true. I'm an inconsiderate, immature bastard. I never think of about what anyone needs or wants, never think things through thoroughly, won't turn my head to say hello to people, and lord knows I'll say the most inconsiderate things without thinking. Yup that's me. Just a typical boorish guy who has the manners of a catfish. I probably should become a hermit since everyone knows I can't be with people. I just think about myself, and don't realize that other people have feelings. I don't go out of my way and do chivalrous things every moment I can, I don't offer my assistance when people are doing everyday things; I just ignore those things and do what I want to do. Again, manners of a catfish.

So just be warned, never walk behind me when going into a building, because I'll never hold the door for you.













RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!