Karma

It's a bitch.

I've decided that for the last 11 months I've been punished with bad karma over the decision I made almost a year ago. "Why?" you ask. Well here's my theory:

1. For the first 6 months following the decision, I slowly began descending into a emotional depression, and my social life started to become insanely bad. The worst it's been since 10th or 11th grade. The depression was also the first major one I had since my father passed.

2. The one female I meet that seems to connect with me on almost every level, goes back to her ex-boyfriend.

3. The most recent female who I went out with, had an amazing time with, and asked if I wanted to hang out again, has basically prematurely stood me up. Add that to the fact that the past 3 females I've gone out with, have yet to respond the last message I left them.

I mean, I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I don't know how I can go from having someone ask me to hang out again, and then 5 days later they don't return a my phone call asking what the hell is going on. What the fuck did I do wrong? Was it the fact that I tried to have conversations with them over the last 5 days? I mean, should I have just not talked to them at all? I don't get it. I'm just so fucking confused, bitter, dissapointed, upset, etc. right now that I'm becoming numb.

This is why I think it's karma. How the fuck could things go from so good, to so awful in a few days. I mean 3 days ago we were talking about what we were gonna do, and now I can't even get a response on what's going on. Maybe it really is the facial hair. Maybe I really am just too aggressive (which I don't get how that is possible). I really could use an explanation on this stuff, because I'm beyond baffled. I mean I know I'm not that unattractive and I know that I'm a good person with a good heart and with good intentions. I may do stupid shit, but my heart is almost always in the right place.

I just want this shit to stop. But maybe I just have to wait another month or so. Or maybe this karma punishment will go on for a long time. Who the fuck knows. All I know is that it's not fun.

Music

I'm sitting here listening to a mix I made for my Memorial Day BBQ, and it's a high quality mix. It's actually a fucking awesome party mix...well for the type of parties I throw, which are more like gatherings. But here is the dilemma: I can't seem to find someone who actually likes everything that is on this mix. I have friends who like bits and pieces of it, but detest other parts, and this bugs me. Good music is good music. It's not like I'm throwing on some John Cage or anything like that. I just made a mix of high quality rock, jazz, funk, R&B, and Soul (w/two rap songs). But the mix isn't the reason I'm writing. The reason I'm writing is that I wish I could find more people who actually appreciate this stuff. I feel like the only people who do are 20-30 years older than me. I don't get how people can't listen to good 60s Soul/R&B. I mean it's fucking Motown or Stax or Atlantic shit....it's the most danceable music on the planet. If you put on The Temptations' "Ain't Too Proud To Beg" or Edwin Starr's "Twenty-Five Miles" and don't have the urge to dance, you have no soul. I'm sorry, you don't. And this is coming from a white boy. But on the other end of the spectrum, if you can't appreciate good country/folk music (I'm talking about the backwater shit, not country pop) then you don't appreciate American music. Yea, it's my opinion, but I know good music when I hear it...ask anyone who knows me if I don't.

I am guilty of not liking certain types of music (most rap, new age, disco, country pop, emo/neo-punk), but that's not to say I don't appreciate it. I know several people who don't like The Beatles (blasphemous, I know), but they appreciate what the group did for music...which basically was change how rock/pop was written/recorded/produced/mixed/performed. Like I don't like rap, for the most part, but I respect many of the artists and producers for their talents and abilities to do what they do, and basically changing the landscape of the American music scene. Boy bands, however, I don't appreciate. Yes, you could say they are the same as many Motown artists, except that Motown was more about the music, rather than purely making money. Plus, the stuff that Motown put out is some of the best music ever.

The biggest thing is, however, that it's insanely hard for me to find someone who I can sit down with and have a full fledged conversation about music. I mean, shit spanning from rock to jazz to soul to classical to blues. I mean, I don't own a ton of CDs (I probably have 250ish, maybe close to 300), but I've studied different genres of music, and I absorb information and want to learn more. Maybe it's just that I love music, but I don't understand how people can't get excited about the stuff I listen to. You have no idea how much I just want to sit down with some and blast some stuff from The Faces or Weather Report or The Band or The Black Crowes or Miles Davis or Muddy Waters, etc. And it gets worse when I'm talking to a girl, because if they don't have some sort of appreciation for music, it's a huge turnoff, especially if they've never go to concerts. That's like my lifeblood, and I need to share that passion with someone. But if they say "I don't listen to music really" or "I listen to everything" I just want to get the fuck out of there. I need someone to share that passion with me. I want to say to someone (guy or girl), "I just bought/listened to some (insert band I like here) today," and have them respond, "REALLY?!? That's fucking I awesome. I love them!" I'm not talking Ben Folds or Weezer or any current and/or popular band, I'm talking the good stuff that most people don't listen to. Yea, I know it's a pipe dream, but whatever, it's what I want.

So in closing, if you want some good music, come to me and I will supply you with some.

I'm tired

I'm quite exhausted; physically and emotionally exhausted. Yesterday was very long, though good, and I was just totally drained today. Emotionally, I'm just sick of certain things. Mainly work. I can't stand the sub we have, and the kids have just taken a downward turn behaviorly. The room has become chaos, and the sub creates almost no structure in the class, and can be found spacing out most of the day, while us aides do our best to keep some semblence of order and discipline the kids. I mean, I love the kids in the class; they are great kids, but when the person who is supposed to be in charge (and they know who it's supposed to be) can't maintain order, there will be problems. I'm just thankful there's less than 3 weeks left.

In other news, my new car has passed almost all the major tests I have set for it. The most important one just occured yesterday. With the back seats folded down I was able to fit all my drum equipment, a full 88 key keyboard, and a keyboard amp. Granted I couldn't see out the back, but all of that stuff fit (in my Fit....haha....lame I know) and I could still have a passenger in the car, and both of us were comfortable. The only major test it has to pass, is a long(ish) roadtrip, which it should pass easily.

The summer is approaching closely and there are 3 things that are bugging me:
1. I have no plans to see any major concerts
2. I have no plans to go anywhere for a vacation (though I'd still love to go to Oregon)
3. My lightning phobia has not been quelled or kicked
If I can fix those three things (and maybe get a date or two or ten) it should be a pretty good summer (HOPEFULLY).

Alright, that's it for now. Hopefully will be going to bed soon.